Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Randomize
