Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Randomize
