Soap is not a condiment
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
