i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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