Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
