You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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