Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
