those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
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