I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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