yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
