today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
This is the high leading the old right now
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
