So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
