I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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