the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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