Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
