i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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