Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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