omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize
