Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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