My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I just googled if crying burns calories
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
