1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
