I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
