I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
