true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
