she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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