If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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