Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Randomize
