I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
