i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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