'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Pi�atas plus fireworks don't mix well
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
