It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
