at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
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