he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
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