Have you finally orgasmed yet?
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
Randomize
