i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
