she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
