i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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