i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
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