I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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