I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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