Tell her she can't have a vagina
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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