just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
