So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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