And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
