I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
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