i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
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