I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
we're making bets on your personal life
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
