my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
