So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Randomize
