You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Randomize
