if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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