A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
