You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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